Filled-Full

I’d like to begin with two quick vignettes if you’ll humor me:

One: There is a park near my house that has a small, regularly refurbished playground. When my family first moved into our home, the playground boasted a large, concrete dolphin that wallowed away its days deep in a pit of wood chips, just waiting for children to climb aboard and imagine a midwestern-oceanic world. Now, after assorted updates, all of the playground apparatus is plastic, and worn, but used and loved daily by many tots and their caregivers.

The surrounding park is more of a recreational area- baseball diamonds, soccer fields, basketball courts, and a good many picnic tables. The small playground gets lots of use because the rest of the park does too, and our city does a good job with upkeep. The trees get trimmed, the grass gets cut. The playground area is regularly restocked with fresh wood chips, especially under the swing set.

The interesting thing is that while our little old playground has oft been refreshed and remodeled, it still has two of its original concrete benches. In fact, they now sit neck-deep in a deep pool of wood chips. Our tiny, lovingly cared-for playground has been absolutely filled-full with wood chips.

Two: My whole life long, I would’ve always told you that I liked rice. Then, when I was 27, I went to India to visit my pretty serious boyfriend who, himself, was Indian. While I visited for three weeks, I ate rice twice a day, sometimes thrice. Substantial portions. Delicious rice; rice like us benign, Uncle Ben’s Rice-eaters couldn’t even fathom. Who could have understood the consuming passion that rice was in South India? Certainly not I. Following the model set before me, I ate a lot of rice. I ate rice until it felt like I was full all the way up into my throat, my neck, even up to my chin. I was absolutely filled-full of rice.

We’ve been going through a hard time at our house. A friend of mine would describe this as rough waters; an apt description. I am a ship, tipping and tossing dangerously about on a dark, tumultuous sea. I’m a river raft, rocketing through wild-frothing white rapids. I am a tow rope dragging and tumbling endlessly, violently, in the wake of a ski boat.

Yup. Rough waters.

The thing that I find myself asking during this season is, “What am I being filled with?” During times of rough waters we get bogged down with lots of things, including lots of big feelings. Feelings are very filling, and we, the vessels, easily become bloated, filled-full. Up to our very necks in one thing or another.

I’ve been pretty worried about becoming full of anger, or more likely, full of bitterness and gall. I worry about the nastiest of feelings filling me up and choking me. If you have gone through hard times or rough waters, you know that this seems like a real possibility, that you’ll fill-full with the worst of all things and choke to death on them.

When I looked at myself and saw an empty shell, cavernous and echoing, I thought I’d better be intentional about what I let fill me, especially considering the nasty stuff lurking about. Well, it is a good thing that bitterness and gall tastes so bad. I just can’t stomach it, and will let it drain out about as fast as it fills. Anger? It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth that I try pretty hard to avoid it. I don’t like being full of these things. I’ve wanted very much to be filled with something good and palatable.

Friends, if you have the choice- and this is often the only choice you get in a difficult season- choose what you will be filled with. A while back, I decided first that I would let myself be filled with a huge pan of homemade chicken pot pie, dropped off by friends. Then, with the good and glowing yellow of a pot of spring daffodils, gifted in love. We were filled-full by the generous offer of a cabin-stay over Spring Break, and the perfect little cabin overlooked a lake so that when the sun shone, diamonds glinted and winked at us all across the surface. I am filled-full of coziness and diamonds. One morning, I took a long walk and I opened myself to sunshine and birdsong until I was absolutely filled-full of it. I was filled-full that morning with God’s glory and goodness, all the way up to my chin.

As I type up that list, I realize that we have been so filled-full with good gifts- cards and notes, and delicious gifts of food, financial assistance, sturdy and wise counsel, a precious and safe cabin in the woods, and most importantly, a vast flood of prayer from God’s saints, near and far. We are filled-full, and so much more.

I know you might be experiencing rough waters. If I’ve learned anything in this season, I’ve learned how many people are deeply hurting, struggling, needing, and yearning. If you’re being tossed about on the rough waters of life right now, I pray, with all my heart, that you would allow yourself to be filled-full with the goodness and grace offered around you, much more so than the uncontrollable agony of the rough waters. Let God show you just how loved you are.

You are loved to the fullest.

Singing bird photo by Tom Bradley on Unsplash

Daffodils photo by Yoksel 🌿 Zok on Unsplash

Boat on rough waters photo by Ben Noble on Unsplash