Bearing Witness

It’s been an eventful few months in the Christian Reformed Church. Big and consequential things are happening, but that’s not why I’m writing.

Another unfolding story could easily be missed amidst the denominational drama.

Marian is a young woman in my community, whose parents and siblings have been members of the church where I pastor for the last three years. Her story deserves our attention. 

I’m writing as one who is primarily bearing witness – I am bearing witness to Marian’s resolve to find healing, to her resolve to hold institutions accountable as much as possible, and to how ill-equipped our churches and institutions still are to respond to abuse.

This is my plea for all of us to consider how it must feel to be in Marian’s shoes, to not turn our attention away from the unfolding story, and to consider what actions we can take in our own lives and churches in response. 

Many things about Marian’s case remain to be seen: will the CRCNA defend itself to the hills? Will they pick apart Marian’s story and memories for their own defense? I hope someone with a prophetic sensibility and some sway in the whole matter is losing sleep over these questions. They should be – not because assets or reputation are at stake — but because God will ultimately demand justice, regardless of what the court decides. 

The pressing question that keeps me up at night, as the co-pastor of a small congregation, is “Will my little church take responsibility and seek true justice when our Safe Church Policies fail?”

That’s not a “would” or “if” – it’s a “will” and “when.”

Policies are absolutely necessary and must be in place, but they will only take us so far. Maybe your church, like ours, does an annual retraining on your Safe Church Policy in the fall. It’s a good opportunity to have the conversation about what you will do when the policies fail. In other words, churches must talk about what it actually looks like to support survivors in deed, and not just in word.

God’s concern for justice, not insurance policies, assets, reputation, and the like, should take center stage in those conversations. Along those lines, Boz Tchividjian has a helpful interview that every church leader should listen to. Unlike me, he is a lawyer and an expert on this topic who for over 25 years has represented survivors of sexual abuse, including Marian. He talks about the different approaches churches take to abuse allegations: some will do only as much as they need to do to keep the survivor quiet, and others will just do whatever their lawyers tell them to do. Only a small fraction will seek true restoration and care for a survivor of abuse. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that prior to listening I barely had an imagination for what was possible beyond those first two responses, which is why I commend the interview to anyone who will listen.

Finally, if you know Marian or her family, consider that while it’s important to share Marian’s story and express your support, your personal concerns or questions about the case or her situation do not need to be shared with Marian, her family, or even publicly. Marian does not owe us anything. Certainly not more than she has already shared. It’s up to her if she chooses to share more. Neither her nor her family owe us answers to our probing questions or a listening ear to our concerns or even our own unprocessed trauma. So if you need to process your own discomfort or reactions to the case, I think it would be wise to find a trusted confidant. Your questions, your concerns and comments, your own experiences are neither Marian nor her family’s responsibility to receive.

We do, however, owe them – and every survivor of abuse – much. Take the time to learn how to express your support beyond the initial shock and pearl clutching. Depending on your proximity to the survivor or their family, it will be different.

For whatever it’s worth, I have found some utility in the idea of bearing witness. That means taking a posture of “I see you. What you’re going through is real, and even if I can’t fix it for you, I am with you and I am for you.”

We are not, however, passive witnesses. We don’t stand far off and watch events unfold. Imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and getting things wrong. Be quick to listen and learn, but slow to offer your opinions. There’s nothing you can say to make it better, but avoiding the topic completely can sometimes make it feel even more lonely and isolating. So even if it feels awkward at first, express your support, your sorrow, and your shared desire to seek justice.

Do not pry or justify or theologize. God does not need lawyers to weave a narrative in his defense. When I needed a model to learn how to bear witness while staying emotionally available, I listened to a lot of Kate Bowler podcasts.

On an institutional level, all of our churches must engage in repentance, lament, and honest conversations about how we turn our backs on survivors of abuse. We need a commitment to seek justice beyond what any court decides. Can your institution advocate for survivors or put pressure on other institutions and help to hold them accountable? Can your institution pay for trauma therapy or sponsor a scholarship for a survivor? Imagine the ripple effect this kind of trauma can have in one person’s life and then get to work helping to interrupt those ripples.

The particulars of any personal or institutional response will be unique to every survivor and their needs, but our responsibility to bear witness to their stories and seek justice does not change, whether or not there is a lawsuit in the picture.  

Photo by OC Gonzalez on Unsplash