I am about to share one of my deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets with you. It is a part of myself that makes me shudder in embarrassment; a secret that until recently I had never told anyone.
But in this season of pandemic isolation, of forced self-reflection, my secret has disrupted so much of my day to day functioning that I simply cannot afford to ignore it anymore. What better way to live more honestly, more humbly than to offer public confession in a blog post read by so many people that take their faith so seriously. Ready?
I am really good at work/rest balance.
Now, I know a number of you will read that and think, oh that Beth, she is just a laugh and a half and certainly I framed that “confession” in a way to get a few chuckles. But in actuality, I am not kidding, both about the work/rest balance and my embarrassment in being honest about it.
Admitting you are unwilling to overwork yourself is not congruent with being a Midwestern Calvinist girl, especially one who is passionate about her vocation in ordained ministry — you know, the career with one of the highest burn out rates in America?
It was undergrad that did me in. I threw myself into a dizzying tarantella of demands: a double major in music and theatre, acting in one show a semester, working in the college ticket office, and jogging 3-8 miles at 11pm, five nights a week. You know, Carpe Diem and all that jazz. Last I checked, Hope College requires 126 credit hours to graduate. I burned out and then dropped out with 170, leaving six of those credits in my majors incomplete. It would take another ten years before I worked up the courage to march myself back into the registrar’s office to see what it would take for me to address those incompletes and finish my abandoned degree.
My lesson wasn’t “Boy, that was close. That pace could have killed me. I won’t ever drive myself that hard again.” The lesson was to choose a new method of punishment. I put down the albatross of work addiction and picked up the angry ostrich of shame for my needing rest.
For years, I believed I was lazy, defective, unimaginative, and wasting my gifts and time. You see, one of the biggest lies about burn out is that it is the result of doing too many things you hate. For me, burn out was death by “oh-my-gosh-I-want-to-do-all-the-things.” I filled my new free time thinking about all I wanted to do, but couldn’t because I felt too tired or feared becoming too tired. The guilt I felt for succumbing to watching an hour or two of TV drove me to years of bingeing on ice cream, cookies, and Facebook, while staring at the screen.
Then came March of 2020, offering even more unstructured time. Knowing that I filled my belly at the same rate I filled my down time, I decided to examine my relationships to food, my self-worth, my body and rest. If I didn’t, I feared putting myself at increased risk of getting ill. Here I was almost exactly twenty five years later to the date of my first addiction confrontation. Though I had been in therapy for over ten years, for the first time I began to understand what self-love actually is. It is not to be confused with self-acceptance. That felt impossible.
Self-love is the action of speaking, feeding, protecting, enjoying, and yes, resting my body and spirit. Paradoxically, a commitment to loving yourself begins as a decision to work at loving yourself. Rest is work. Who knew?
After months of this new sort of work, an amazing change happened. I began accepting myself. I started to like my body and I started to like myself. Exercise stopped being another job. It became a time of gratitude. Goodbye compulsive running. Hello 15 minutes of morning yoga. Eating healthier food, which DOES still include ice cream by the way, became fun and another creative outlet.
And the big kahuna of them all, rest? Well, rest became joy. Like spending time with a friend.
Rest is reflection and a time of listening to my body, instead of dissociating from it.
Rest is becoming — Sabbath.
I confess that I care less about looking busy for others and care more about looking inward at my own needs. If you enjoy rest, you will enjoy your life: the secret to winning at life. This is the only secret I care about anymore.
Amen, “If you enjoy rest, you will enjoy your life: the secret to winning at life.” I learned to take an afternoon nap, or siesta in the Philippines and kept it up most of my time in Africa. I also try not to work after supper. Work expands to fill the time you give it, so be careful how much time you allow it.
Yay you!!! Yay us. 🙂
Amen. The rest that God requires of us is not given as an option but as a requirement.
Ironically, once I learned the same lessons, my work time was more fun and productive too. God wired us to work that way, and so gave us the sabbath principle. Thank you for sharing your experience so we can remember the gift.
So true, Deb! Here is to enjoyable work.
Is rest the vaccine?
Wow!! Isn’t that food for thought.
*On a side note, I realize there are some groups of people who have no choice but to overwork, due to economic disparities. This is in no way critiquing those who have to hustle in order to survive, this is critiquing those of us who horde meaningful work to both our economic and personal gain. If the poor are overworked that blain lies solely on capitalist greed. This could be a whole other blog post.
Thanks, I’m going to feel better about watching “Judge Judy” and “Blue Bloods” on AMG today.
More seriously, thanks for the sharing of a secret.
Love this, and the ensuing comments and responses! Thanks everyone.
Beth you are wonderful.
As someone who struggles with work/rest balance, thank you for this blog post. The only thing that presses upon me with a deeper need for balance is the fact that I see it instilled in the fabric of all of creation. As winter approaches, I see the parts of creation that are not ME coming to a time of rest. It seems that we humans might be the only one’s who struggle with the balance, but I’m not sure that is exactly true. In any case, thank you for your reminder and your “critique” of my imbalance.