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This is Going to Hurt

By June 11, 2020 31 Comments

I felt stupid and scared this week, and I took it out on a well-meaning white guy. 

Here’s what happened: I was working as part of a team to plan a high-profile event for local pastors to speak out against racism. It was collaborative (which is hard), it was high-stakes (everybody’s a critic), and it was not being led by white people (translation: I was not in control).

These kinds of projects are never easy for me. I get hyper-motivated by fear: fear that I’ll fail as an ally and try to take over control. Fear that we’ll say something the activists will rip to shreds. Fear that some Christian will say “that’s not orthodox.” (It’s all fear that I’ll be kicked out of one of the clubs to which I so desperately want to belong.) 

So anyway, we had a high-stress change of plans in our group process which took a few hours to sort out. I had exhausted myself with all my fear. I logged onto Facebook to “decompress.” A person I am connected with posted something about racial justice. I saw my chance; I went in. 

It only took a few well-placed words for me to feel I’d effectively scolded him for his ignorance. And it was just the dopamine hit I needed after all my hand-wringing the hour before. I felt so superior.

I confess this because I think it’s important to know what you’re getting into, if you’re new to this stuff. White folks: racial justice work is going to feel bad. It will shine a light on stuff you’d rather not see, or let others see.

I mean there are times when it feels good, and that’s because it is good. It is the Kingdom. It is the good news. It’s The Way It’s Supposed To Be. There are glimpses of this, there are tastes of this, and it feels like holy ground.

But along the way, there are lots of parts that just feel… bad. Exposed. Vulnerable. Out of control. Painful.

White people who are just starting to speak on this stuff, be warned: your feelings are going to get hurt. And it will make you want to quit. This is a good thing. This means that you’ve taken the first right step. If it feels awful, you’re probably doing it right. 

Here’s what will happen. 

Your feelings will get hurt because a Black person will get mad at you. Someone will tell you, maybe right out in public, that what you did or said or thought was actually still racist. Or that it was too little, too late. Or that it was just words, and words don’t make change. 

It will feel really bad. You will feel stupid and small. You will feel defensive and misunderstood. You’ll think something like, “It wasn’t *what* they said, it was *how* they said it,” because you feel exposed and ashamed. (All this stuff has names: white fragility. Tone policing. It will take ten seconds of this to recognize that you’re a very unoriginal white person.)

You will realize that you expected to get thanked for what you did/said, and instead you’re getting corrected. You’ll want to quit. 

Don’t quit. This is a first, awful step. That person is probably right. (They have, after all, an entire lifetime of experience with this topic, compared to your five minutes of engagement.) Tell them they’re right, and you’re going to change how you talk about that in the future. Thank them for helping you learn. You want to, need to, see what you have let yourself be blind to. Then, keep going.

Next, your feelings will get hurt because a white person will get mad at you. They will pick apart your words. They’ll tell you that you’re being divisive and political. They’ll tell you you’re conforming to the world, that you’re trying to be a trendy SJW. They’ll tell you that you’ve been manipulated by the mainstream media and send you a link to a video of a Black person debunking BLM. They’ll say, “I can’t believe you’re defending violence and riots, I used to respect you.” 

It will feel really bad. You’ll want to explain yourself. You’ll be tempted to capitulate to ideas and messages that you find offensive, just to get them to stop being mad. You’ll realize that you actually don’t have a good argument to defend against their attack, and you’ll feel stupid. You’ll feel alone and vulnerable. 

You will realize that you expected God to bless you with bravery and wisdom — you’ve been called to justice! — and instead you’re less confident than ever before. You’ll want to quit. Don’t quit. Tell them you love them, and Jesus, and you’re learning, and you want them to be quiet for a while and learn, too.

The truth is (and especially true if you’re a white pastor): you’re late to this table. I am, too. Dr. King was speaking to pastors like us from his jail cell in 1963, and his words are as relevant today as they were then. Things have not progressed — not in society, and not in the church. This is because too many of us are opportunists when it comes to racial justice. We participate when it is less risky to speak than it is to remain silent. (Like now.) We are largely unwilling to shoulder burdens or risk loss of power or position for the cause of Black dignity and freedom. Actually, forget real losses like those — we are largely unwilling to stay in this thing when we simply feel small, stupid, or misunderstood.

If, in 50 years’ time, the white American church is finally able to say it emerged from its complicity and worked toward repairing the harm it has caused, it will be because you and I persisted past our own defensiveness and cluelessness, past our own confusion and vulnerability. We will admit that we have made this about me, me, me; we will hold each other accountable to growing up.

If anything changes in the white American Church, it will be in part because we took a first, awful step. And then, instead of apologizing to our critics and turning back around, we continued to move forward, one pain-filled step at a time.

We will do this because we have allowed the Good News of Jesus to become a tool of oppression. Our tiny twinges of pain are nothing next to the mountain of harm that a white supremacist church has caused. 

If this hurts, beloved white Christian, that means you’re doing it right. May this be the moment we allow our fragile selves to break apart, so that something more faithful can emerge.

(Photo by Stephane YAICH on Unsplash)

Kate Kooyman

Rev. Kate Kooyman is a minister of the Reformed Church in America who lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan.


  • Nate DeWard says:


  • Daniel J Meeter says:

    Thank you.

  • Thank you. I grew up with demonstrations and race riots in the 60’s. Some whites participated but most thought things were fine just the way they were.

    God bless you.

  • Jon Lunderberg says:

    We see what we want to see. Your essay helped me see what I should see. Thank you and well done.

  • Jeff Japinga says:

    I don’t remember you ransacking my brain and heart for material… 🙁 Thank you for saying this out loud far more clearly than I was saying it to myself or others.

  • Mary Huissen says:

    Thank you Kate

  • Natalie Hart says:

    My experience aligns with yours and realizing my wrong has been uncomfortable but WAY more effective than getting it all right. It also feels godly every time because what is more Christian than realizing I need forgiveness?

  • Dana VanderLugt says:

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • Marilyn Paarlberg says:

    So much is being said, and written, and read (and ruefully admitted, sometimes skimmed enough to feel justified to talk about it). This piece, though, is one of those I “took the needle” for. I read and absorbed it into the layers beneath my surface “skin” because I need its medicine to help me get better at being a humble, healthy and vigorous ally. It pricks, but thank you.

  • Nancy Boote says:

    Thank you for encouraging me/us not to quit.
    This is an extremely important essay. Thank you!

  • Jeffrey Petersen says:

    Thank you for narrating your own story of action and assumption in a way that helps me recognize my own more clearly.

  • Cory Van Sloten says:

    Thanks Kate, God help us.

  • Helen Phillips says:

    Kate – Thank you as always for your words.

    I have a dear college friend whose words have recently given me a taste of what she’s lived with all her life…phrases like “driving while black,” feeling suspicious eyes upon her when she shops in a department store, and reading the lecture she gives to her son each time he leaves the house gives me just a tiny bit of understanding.

    Her words haunt me because I’ve realized that my non-participation in seeking to understand her life is a huge part of the problem. I don’t give to her causes. I am afraid of marching, speaking out and seeking out.
    I am guilty. I am complicit.

  • Susan DeYoung says:

    Thank you, Kate. Your essay cuts to the core. In the fall of 2015, after Jamar Clark was shot and killed by the police here in Minneapolis, a black colleague asked us white brothers and sisters to please be Moses for his community. “Pharaoh won’t listen to us. But he’ll listen to you.” Wow. God forgive me for my weak attempts. Forgive me for retreating because it was too hard. No more excuses!

  • Melissa Stek says:

    YES, KATE, YES. So relatable.

  • Ann Conklin says:

    Thank you, Kate.

  • Thank you for sharing and allowing people to see the painful sacrifices white people will feel and the manner in which they will be received by people with a legacy of suffering and unrelenting shaming delivered as another gospel that has not been yet been disowned.

  • Lori Boeskool says:

    These are such important words you’ve shared, Kate. Fear, guilt, criticism, embarrassment, encouragement. Thank you for telling us we’re doing it right when we experience all the discomfort, and reminding us not to give up because of it.

  • Linda Ribbens says:

    Thank you…this is exactly what I needed to hear today…the hard truth.

  • Willa Brown says:

    Thanks, Kate, for sharing this with us, for helping to open our eyes from their blindness to the reality around us.

  • RLG says:

    Thanks, Kate, for your input. I think you are right in suggesting that taking a position can get uncomfortable, even very uncomfortable. But realize that your or my position is just one of very many. There are many shades of Black Lives Matter, as there are many on the other side, and many in the middle. And a good share, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum, will cite the Bible. So am I to take your view as the only one worthy of consideration, or Donald Trump’s, or Al Sharpton’s, or my own? Rest assured, wherever we fall we will have plenty of support. And I doubt if any of us, well many of us, will get kicked out of heaven for where we stand on these divisive and uncomfortable issues. Thanks again, Kate.

  • Daniel J Meeter says:

    Thank you again, you inspired a paragraph in my sermon for Sunday.

  • Mark Stephenson says:

    Kate, as I was talking about taking action against racism with a colleague, he reminded me, “If you do, it’s going to cost you.” Thank you for expressing a little bit of what the cost will be for us white people if we are truly serious about doing our part in dismantling racism. Any cost that we will bear will pale in comparison to price for racism paid for centuries by African Americans, Native Americans, and by other people of color.

  • Bob Cooper says:

    There is a book by District Bonhoeffer called “Thé Cost of Discipleship”, thanks Kate for being a true disciple.
    Bob Cooper

  • Kris says:

    Yes. With you in this. Keep sharing your words. I need them.

  • When you are abused as a child, you come to a point in your adult life where you realize that it WASN’T all your fault, that something awful was done to you. It’s the most freeing and liberating experience. Abusive parents, on the other hand, usually avoid looking within themselves to see the ways they have caused harm, and live in steady and consistent denial.

    I realized a while back (in the context of caucusing) that I am the abusive parent in this context. It doesn’t feel good to look at this ugliness inside of me. I want to avoid it, to deny that I am responsible for hurting another human being in this way.

    I can only imagine that for POC, the experience is more akin to the freeing realization that what they have experienced really IS as messed up as they thought it was.

    (Not to speak for POC, and not to suggest a parent/child relationship, but this is an analogy that worked for me.)

  • sarah roelofs says:

    Thank you for your prophetic voice and your compelling writing.

  • Hilda says:

    Wow thank you. I needed to read that.

  • Nate Johnson says:

    Thank you so much for the incisive self reflection, Kate.

  • Kim Van Es says:

    “Tell them they’re right, and you’re going to change how you talk about that in the future. Thank them for helping you learn.”

    Yes. Some of these response almost need to be practiced so that they are ready in our heads when we need them.

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