My Two AM Twitter Feed (with apologies to Larry King)

I’m not on Twitter, but thankfully Larry King is.  Did you see his wee-hours-of-the-morning Twitter fest the other day?  For any of you that wonder what the value of Twitter is, Larry answered all the questions on October 20. He started tweeting around 1:40am and ended at 3:09am.  Among the pearls of wisdom he offered were:

I can’t remember the last time I went to a zoo

I miss Derek Jeter already

Is plaid in?

I never wear short sleeved shirts

Well, Mr. Suspenders has nothing on me.  My mind is as random, cluttered and bizarre as Larry’s.  Here, for the edification of The 12’s readers, I offer my own what-I’d-say-on-Twitter-in-the-middle-of-the-night-if-I-had-a-Twitter-account-which-I-don’t-and-never-plan-to.

The River. The Well. The Bridge. How come all the new churches have names that sound like radio stations?

Whatever happened to Hush Puppies? I liked them.

Every time I hear the song “Where Have all the Flowers Gone?” I wonder if those people have been to Tulip Time.

When’s the last time you met a guy named Scooter?

Who was in charge of picking the letters to spell the word “hymn”?

The paleo “Caveman Diet” is very popular.  Didn’t cavemen have about a 28-year life expectancy because of poor nutrition?

If a web site is confident enough of my identity to send me a new password every time I forget, why can’t we just skip the password stage entirely?

If someone said I had to eat fungus I’d be grossed out, yet I love mushrooms on pizza.

When I was ten, George was my favorite Beatle.  He’s in third place now.

I’ve never been to Saskatchewan.

What food group is gum a part of?

What if the minister just wore normal clothes to church and everyone else came in a robe?

I can’t tell you the last time I had Tang, Ovaltine or Nestle’s Quick.

I heard a fear monger say Ebola is entering the US through our porous borders on the backs of ISIS.  Wouldn’t that actually solve a bunch of problems?

You can use the letters in “Reformed Church” to spell “Chromed Fuhrer,” and with “Christian Reformed” you can spell “Arch Deformities.” Think about it.

Is there anything worse than a piece of disappointing fruit?

If liverwurst is made from liver, what do they use for bratwurst?

When I was in junior high I could fit my fist in my mouth.  I can’t do that anymore.

In the old days I used to flip through five or six channels and be frustrated there was nothing worth watching on TV.  Now I go through several hundred channels and reach the same conclusion.

I’d like to see a competitive and perhaps professional Spider Solitaire league formed.  All the games would be held during the middle of the work day.   

At this point in her literary career, Marilynne Robinson is just showing off.

That’s more than enough for now.  Just wanted to prove to the world I could do Twitter.  Be thankful I don’t. #I don’t know what #’s are for.